Aimless

Posted on December 27, 2013

3


We’re all in the middle still of a muck of happy and sad and confused and thrilled. I got a salaried job, completed the longest job training of my life, spent not even a month in the office, and gave my 2 week notice in order to return to the job I was trying to get back to ever since I left it.

I’ve really not been all together or good since the adoption fell through. I mean I’ve definitely held it together, I’m not sleeping for days or giving up hobbies and Nate and I still love each other dearly, but if I go upstairs to the kids’ would-have-been rooms for something, I’ll probably be a rotten person for the rest of the day – mean, irritable, sad – prickly as my mom used to call it. Understanding why doing the right things and trying to make the big difference in other people’s lives hasn’t been going so right for us is hard. I fight being bitter about the fact that I gave my address and phone number saying I promised the kiddos winter scarves, which granted, I am still finishing up, but still, they are made, and there was not one phone call or email to say oh hey here’s where you can send those. I reasonably know that’s dumb and selfish of me, because I know they’re experiencing a massive upheaval of their family dynamic with 3 new children and it would be an inconvenience to reach out to someone who has never been a part of their life, but was a part of the children’s lives – there is enough new for them already. But – I wanted that to be my upheaval. We were ready for our lives to be wrecked in that wonderful way that only children can.

There has been too much change for me this year. It’s a wonder I haven’t resorted to rearranging furniture every few weeks like my 14 year old self. Most of it is change that was supposed to happen and never really ended up getting completed. Kids that never came. A job I quit before I really began. Some of our closest supportive friends moving out of the state. All massive changes that are still muddying up our ability to be normal, not super stressed people.

The garden grows on. The animals do their thing. We try to keep on top of dishes and laundry. Knitting will become my rosary I think. I’m not catholic, but as far as I understand the rosary and other prayer bead necklaces, the idea is to meditate on each one. Each stitch needs to be less stress. I need to go on more bike rides with the kids at work. The other day all the kids and I picked wild oranges off the property while we were out on the bikes and I felt like Maria from The Sound of Music when the kids were climbing the trees in their curtain clothes. Those moments keep me sane.

Just bear with us – me mostly as I’m the writer of the farm – and we will resume the farm focused posts in the near year with some renewed zest and focus I hope.

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