my ungratefulness

Posted on July 5, 2010


and i’ll miss you like you’re dead
and find a way to grieve you
cause i need to
try and start again

and your ghosts will have to leave
like a child would his mother
or a lover
who has to say goodbye
it’s always say goodbye
so this is goodbye

i wonder if God means for it to feel like i went from meat back to milk in a gut-curdling sort of un-weaning.
it seems like this is the prodding and burning that there would need to be in order to make me not just what i want to be and think i need to be
but what the people will need me to be.

the next year will be trudging and denying myself the joy of doing something that i love so much that i say “i miss work” when i have a week-long vacation.
it will be reminding myself that i have so much to learn and gutting myself so that i’ll be emptied of the things that are unnecessary to accomplish what i’m meant for.
it will be pouring and filling and overflowing my gutted self – every crevice and pore – with Jesus and light so that when it comes time to open up to others, that’s what they’ll get.

native americans practice controlled burning to kill everything so that in time, better things grow up
i believe God is a bit of an indian.

i cannot wait until next spring when the sprouts start to show.

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