i am an airplane tumbling wing over wing…

Posted on October 25, 2009


try to listen to my instruments, they don’t say anything
people screaming when the engines quit
i hope we’re all in crash position when we hit…

when i ordered my peppermint mocha this morning, one of the girls behind the counter (the manager, and older of the two) says to the other one, insistent and excited “i get to put on the curls!”
i love seeing someone as thrilled about the chocolate curls as i am.

my brain is toast after a 16.5 hr work day yesterday.
spending that much time exploring my heart and brain and exposing just the right parts to people throughout the day take a lot of effort.

today is my mom’s 25 1/2th birthday. ha. the off-beat years are a numerical mess when you start celebrating half birthdays.
i met an 82 year old lady when i worked at kohl’s behind the jewelry counter who wore golden sparkly shoes and happily told me how old she was and that her birthday was soon.
she said she thinks it’s silly that people don’t like to tell their age when they get older because she’s so grateful she made it to live that long. and she looked it. she was one of the most radiant looking people i’d seen in a while.

i can imagine it working out perfectly, i said. i can’t, he said & i said no wonder you’re so stressed. -ba

yesterday, for the first time in a considerable while, during my work break, i went home, made a cup of christmas tea, and sat on my porch and drank it. i left my phone inside. i let the sun kiss my cool face, i didn’t try to work through solutions to any of the number of messes i have any connection to in my head, i just Sat there and enjoyed it.
and i said it was good.
and i’d hazard a guess that God would say so, too.

the majority of my family (minus joel & i) are in chicago to bit my grandpa bernie adieu.
he’s had health problems lately and decided in the last two days that he didn’t want any more dialysis, treatment, needles, &c.
i feel compassion for the family, but it’s odd to me, and makes me feel a bit like a horrible granddaughter that i feel so far removed from the whole ordeal. the ordeal of death…i haven’t seen any of my judaic branch of the family tree since i was 12 and we were getting ready to move to belgium.
i still love them of course, but 12, despite being my age of returning, is a far cry from where i am these days.
a far cry being almost 10 years exactly.

i dreamed last night of his death, though, and this is some small comfort in the matter. i am removed from it, but as much as he wants me there, i believe God has me there.
i am a fair bit convinced God has kept me from being very well acquainted with death for some reasons bigger than i can quite comprehend just yet.

but pray for bernie and his wife evelyn, who it appears will survive him by a bit, though maybe not much.

though i am not privileged, for obvious confidentiality reasons, to speak of my boys in much detail, the work i do is full of joys and sorrows and i would love to solicit prayers on their behalf.
in my mind sometimes i think of them as the lost boys in never-never land i play a bizarre carouseling role between wendy darling as their mother reading bedtime stories and tink trailing faerie dust all over the place…

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